All the lessons we still have to learn
by Little.Latina
Summary: Two women who are very different one from the other will go together through both happy and difficult times, working on all the lessons they still have to learn about love, friendship, family and life. AU. Jack/Chloe & Tony/Michelle.
1. White lies

**Chapter I**

**_White Lies_**

Michelle Almeida was woken up in the early hours of a cloudy Saturday by a pounding headache and waves of nausea running up and down her stomach and throat, but as soon as she opened her almond shaped brown eyes a strong dizziness forced her to close them again.

She was, as always, wrapped up in the arms of her husband and completely tangled up with him; their limbs were intertwined, their heads were both resting one right next to the other on the same pillow, their noses were touching and while his arms were firmly circling her small waist her hands were one placed on the cheek she had been stroking before she fell asleep and the other buried in the dark, curly hair her fingers had been playing with as she slowly drifted off after the long, exhausting day they had had.

Usually, she would have comfortably stayed in that position watching him in his peaceful sleep until he woke as well and started the first round of their weekend lovemaking sessions by kissing every inch of her body good morning (although that since they were no longer working at CTU and they were running their own business, a freelance security company, free time was something they got to enjoy more often, thus making love before breakfast was a ritual they could practice every single day and not only twice a week on Saturdays and Sundays like they had to before), but she was feeling so sick she had to get up and go to the bathroom to throw up.

Making her way to the bathroom was not an easy task to get done: she was still light-headed and her knees felt weak, so did the rest of her body. Every muscle ached, and she could barely keep her eyes from shutting close against her will, but somehow she managed to get there without making too much noise, so her husband wasn't woken up.

Ten minutes later she was back to bed and in the arms of the love of her life, the man of her dreams, who hadn't even moved or stirred. She was feeling slightly better now, but the headache and waves of nausea hadn't gone yet, neither had the heaviness in her eyes.

_I must be coming down with the flu_ was the thought that crossed her mind before tiredness caught up with her and she dozed off again, but deep down inside she knew better: that wasn't the answer to the equation. Deep down inside she knew what that was about, but she was just too scared to even admit it to herself.

But by Thursday afternoon, Michelle couldn't keep telling in appearance reassuring lies: something as simple as the flu couldn't be blamed for the symptoms she had been suffering from during the past couple of days, and by Wednesday as another wave of morning sickness attacked her even before she had had the chance to have some breakfast forced down her throat, she decided she had to start putting her fears and worries aside and find out if her suspects were or not true, even if she didn't want to… yet.

Her husband had – of course - noticed there was something different with her, and he also had his own suspects on the matter. He hadn't mentioned anything to her, though, and he had pretended to buy all the white lies she told to justify the headaches, the dizziness and the morning sickness, but he did know what was probably going on and the thought of it thrilled him. He wanted nothing but to hold her in his arms and cry in pure happiness, he wanted nothing but to celebrate that little miracle they both had created but at the same time he wanted to give her some time, some space, some privacy and let her come to him and share the news with him when she felt she was ready, when she felt she had had the time she needed to process it all and was prepared to discuss it with him.

And Tony was right: Michelle wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to share her suspects with him, or to tell him she might be pregnant, or to buy a pregnancy test and take it… not yet. And he couldn't blame her for it. He couldn't, because he knew where all those fears, worries and insecurities came from.

During the first year of their marriage she had had a miscarriage, and that had shattered them both, that had broken them both into pieces. Then several false alarms had followed, but each time a test was taken it would come out negative, which always left the two of them as sad and as empty as the loss of their unborn child had.

He had been sent to prison and their lives had become a living Hell from the on, so ever since that horrible day the subject of family had never been mentioned again neither by Tony nor Michelle: they were too busy trying to heal what had been damaged by life's circumstances.

But now it seemed as if the subject would have to be brought up eventually, sooner or later.

She knew he knew.

She knew he was giving her the space and time she needed, and she was thankful for that.

She knew he had the same worries and fears as she did, but she also knew he was thrilled and happy, more thrilled and happier than it was probably good: she could sense it in the way he held her, she could see it in his eyes, and she could hear it in the way he whispered sweet nothings in her ears before she fell asleep.

And that scared her. Yes, that scared the hell out of Michelle Almeida.

He had been that happy and that thrilled before, and they had lost their baby; he had been that happy and that thrilled before, and those pregnancy tests she had taken had all come out negative. The symptoms clearly screamed 'yes, you are' to her, but so had they on those previous occasions that had not been more than false alarms.

She didn't want to sit with him on the bathroom floor while they waited for the blue line to appear like they had done before, only to later be disillusioned.

She didn't want to see his heart breaking right in front of her eyes if that turned out to be the case.

She didn't want him to swallow up his tears and hide his pain away and remain strong in appearance just to protect her. She knew he would be devastated if passed the time her suspects were proven to have not been true, she knew it would hurt just the same, she knew they both would fall apart with the same intensity, but if she had to take a pregnancy test and be disappointed, she didn't want her husband to witness as another promising dream met its twilight and said goodbye to its possibility of coming true.

She would get that test done as soon as she could, because the need to find out was starting to be more powerful than any other thing going on in her mind, and it was consuming her.

Oh, yes, it was so consuming.

By Wednesday morning, she knew that she could not wait for any longer.

Her husband would be out all day; he had promised his grandmother he would visit her and take her out to lunch and a movie as soon as he could. The previous night she had insisted he did it on the following day, so that would give her some time alone to go buy the test and finally get rid of her doubts.

Half an hour after he left for the retirement house, she dialled the number of one of the only friends that hadn't disappeared after tragedy hit her life almost two years ago, one of the few persons that were there for her not to tell her what she wanted to hear but what she needed to hear.

She didn't want Tony to be there with her witnessing as she fell apart and her heart broke in two again, but she didn't want to be alone, either.

"Hey, it's me!" Michelle said after the individual on the other side of the line picked it up and greeted whoever it was that was calling her on the late morning of her day off by saying her last name. She decided to tease her a little "You know you don't have to answer the phone like that when you're at home, right?"

"It's a habit" she simply said, and Michelle could have sworn she was scowling. She couldn't see her, but she knew she was.

"I know, getting rid of it was hard for me as well after I left CTU" she confessed.

"You didn't call me just to tell me that, did you?"

She smiled at the obvious lack of social skills that woman always seemed to be making displays of.

"No, I didn't. I called you because Tony went out with his grandmother and I thought you and I could hang out together today"

It was a lie, a white lie.

Like the white lies she had been telling Tony during those last couple of days every time he asked how she felt.

White lies she knew he wasn't buying but that he was letting her get away with.

White lies she knew her friend _would_ buy but probably wouldn't let her get away with after she found out the truth, she knew that too. And it felt awful, lying to a friend, but Michelle's option weren't much.

It wasn't fair game, no it wasn't, but if she told her that what she meant by 'hang out' was 'come with me to the pharmacy buy a pregnancy test and do small talk while I wait for the results, and maybe hold me while I cry if it doesn't turn out positive, and maybe watch me freak out if it doesn't turn out negative' she wouldn't feel comfortable and would come up with excuses about why she couldn't go.

Michelle herself wasn't sure she wouldn't feel weird sharing that personal and important moment of her life with Chloe, but it was the only person she could think of at the time and the only one who had ever listened to her – _really listened to her _- crying when her husband was in prison, and after that during the six months they lived together in Hell, and after that during those other six months she spent sinking in misery, devastation and work-a-holism, alone and in pain. And she had always been very supportive… in her own particular way. Maybe she didn't hold her hand and rub her back and whisper 'everything is gonna be alright' or gave her a tissue to dry off her tears as others like Kim or Chase had done; maybe she was too harsh and always said truths one wasn't really ready to face; maybe she never knew what was the right thing to say and always said the wrong thing instead because words just wouldn't come out the way she meant them to, but out of all those people that had stayed by Michelle's side during the worst path she had ever had to go through, out of all those people that had tried to help her, Chloe O'Brian was the only one that had made a slight different.

During those four months that followed the 'death' of Jack Bauer, after Michelle and Tony reunited, everything fell back in place and they found themselves back where they belonged (in each other's arms), Michelle's eyes suddenly opened to see Chloe was as alone and as surrounded by sadness as she had once been, that she probably could use some more time with friends, time that otherwise she would spend in front of a computer screen, that it would do her good interact with people, have someone to talk to about her bad days or problems or simply a friend who made her laugh, a friend to have a good time with from time to time.

When she had needed that, Michelle had had Chloe.

She still remembered the first day Chloe had gone check on her because Jack had asked that as a favor. A week had passed sine Tony had been taken away. Michelle wasn't sleeping or eating properly, and all she did was watch old video tapes (their honeymoon's, their wedding's, Tony fooling around with the camera), read the love letters her husband would always write to her and cry herself to sleep in exhaustion. During the course of those seven days Kim, Chase, Jack and some other friends of the couple had stopped by to see how she was doing; they had all tried to get her to eat; they had all tried to get her to stop torturing herself over what had happened; they had all be sympathetic. And neither of them had seen Michelle did not need anything of what they had to offer. But Chloe somehow had understood it. Chloe – the analyst who totally lacked of social skills and couldn't hold a conversation with another human being that lasted more than five minutes - somehow had been the only one capable of making Michelle open up and talk.

Ever since that day, they had become friends. It wasn't the normal, fluffy, clichéd type, but both of them considered it a friendship.

"I can be there in an hour" Chloe's voice took Michelle out of the bubble of thoughts she had fallen into.

"Okay, that will give me time to go run some errands" she thought aloud. It would be better if she went buy the pregnancy test before Chloe got there, so she wouldn't have to put in use another white lie by asking Chloe to go with her do some last minute grocery shopping and surprise her by stopping by at the pharmacy.

"Okay, see you soon, then" was the last thing the blond analyst said before she hung up.

Michelle sighed in relief and tried to shake off some of the nervousness she was feeling. She heard her cell phone beeping, flicked it open and saw Tony had just sent her a text message.

"_Grandma says she loves you and that she hopes you'll feel better soon. I love you too, sweetheart_"

"I love you too, Tony. I really want to give you good news tonight when you get home" she whispered to her phone.


	2. He still remembered the hurting

**Chapter II**

**_He still remembered the hurting_**

He knew his wife like the back of his hand.

He still remembered when several years ago she told him she had learned to read his face. He still remembered how vulnerable he had felt, right there, in the middle of that hallway, with her eyes looking into his, looking at his soul. And with time, she had proven him that not only could she read him like an open book but that she also wanted to share her vulnerability with him, open up, give him her heart and soul and teach him how to read her.

So he knew she wasn't coming down with the stomach flu, like she had said she was. He knew everything that was going on: she thought she was pregnant, but she didn't want to share his suspects with him.

He understood that.

He understood she needed time.

He understood she needed space.

He understood she needed to come to terms with it first before taking the next step, whatever that step might be.

He knew she would probably want to confirm it before going to him, and that if the result turned out to be negative she would just swallow it up, cry herself to sleep trying to be as silent as possible so not to wake him up, and leave it all behind, pick up the shattered pieces and glue them back together without anyone's help.

All of that just to protect him from shattering at the perspective of another false alarm.

The thought of that - her going through all that sorrow and all that pain and all that hurting along just to protect him - killed him.

He still remembered how hard losing their first child had been for both of them. They loved it so much; they hadn't even touched it or seen it, but just knowing of its existence, just knowing that it was there growing inside of her belly was enough for them to love that little being they had created more than any other thing in this world.

He still remembered how excited he was, how excited they were. How he would go to sleep holding her tighter than ever, with his hand caressing her stomach, and his head resting on her shoulder so he could talk to her about how immensely happy the three of them were going to be until she fell asleep in his embrace.

He still remembered how impotent he had felt holding her while she cried her eyes out and screamed in pure pain the first night after the miscarriage, after she had been released form the hospital and went out of her catatonic state.

They had gone to bed without saying a word to each other, because nothing that could be spoken would ease their sorrow. She was lying there, motionless, her eyes closed and silent tears streaming down her reddish, heated up face. He had crawled into bed, nested himself in her chest and allowed the tears that were filling his eyes to run down freely. Tall of a sudden after what had felt like an eternity he felt Michelle's body stirred, and a second later she was crying hysterically, screaming incoherencies, hitting her head against the wall and hitting the pillows with her hands, shaking violently, with her eyes shut tightly and her throat closing, making it harder to breathe.

He still remembered how he had pinned her body down to the mattress in order to make the shaking stop, to keep her from hurting herself the way she was trying to. He held her all night, rocking her back and fort like he had hoped he one day would rock their baby, their unborn child, that child they would never meet.

That happened during their first year of marriage.

Six months later, some of the symptoms that had showed up the first time she had gone to him with her suspects of being pregnant showed up again.

They were thrilled.

He still remembered how happy they were, how wide their smiles were when they had gone buy that pregnancy test, hand in hand, more in love than ever.

He still remembered how silent she had been when it had come out negative. He still remembered how his heart had broken right there in that bathroom, how he had felt his hopes shattering again.

That time _she_ comforted _him_, she held him in her arms while he cried and caressed his back soothingly until he fell asleep right there, on the bathroom floor, with his head resting on her lap and his wife lips impossibly closer to his ear whispering that everything would be alright.

_Nothing_ went right.

He still remembered how they both obsessed over becoming parents as soon as possible, as if they thought the pain they felt would be gone the moment they held their first kid in their arms, as if they thought it would all be better and that they would be able to leave it all behind as soon as their dream came true.

But all that followed were false alarms, and all of them played out the same: his wife and him destroyed,

And after a while, they implicitly decided they would stop trying.

One year later, he was sent to prison, and after that dreadful day everything had gone down the road, until the day they reunited, four months ago.

And now, when all those wounds they had had to struggle with (or attempt to struggle with) seemed to be finally healing, _this_ happened.

And she was afraid of going to him like she had those previous time because she was scared _this_ would destroy him and all the progressed he had been making lately.

Maybe she was scared he would start drinking again if life disillusioned them once more.

Maybe she was scared he would sink into depression again if they got excited about the possibility of a child and then it turned out to be that it was another false alarm.

He knew they both would suffer terribly if she wasn't pregnant, but he also knew he wouldn't start drinking again. He would be depressed for a while, and so would she, but he wouldn't go seek comfort in alcohol, or shut her out, or refuse to communicate.

Those were errors he had made before, but he wouldn't make them in the future.

_This_ could turn out right, and _this_ could also turn out wrong.

_This_ could mean the start of something new.

_This_ could mean another dream shattering right in front of them.

_This_ could mean another reason to be happy.

_This_ could mean another reason to spend countless endless nights holding each other while they cried themselves to sleep.

And then there were the 'ifs'. Oh, God, did he hate 'ifs'.

What if she really was pregnant but had another miscarriage? Tony didn't want to go there, but he couldn't help it. What if they got excited like they had the first time and then that baby was taken away too? What if something bad happened to her or to their baby during the pregnancy? What if they lost another child?

God, did his head hurt.

God, did his heart ache.

He still remembered the happiness shining on Michelle's eyes when she told him they were going to have a baby.

He still remembered how hard it had been mourning it.

He still remembered the unbearable pain, the unbearable sorrow, yes, he still remembered it.

Those were memories Tony Almeida would never forget, feelings he would never be able to shake off.

They say time heals everything, but he was sure neither him nor Michelle would ever be able to overcome the loss of their first child, even if life gave them the chance to have other children. That loss would always be there, they would never for as long as they lived forget the miscarriage, the false alarms, the hurting…

He pulled over the retirement house and for a moment wondered if his wife had insisted on him taking his grandmother out for lunch and a movie today because she wanted to be alone to over think everything, to analyze everything, or maybe to even go get rid of her suspects.

He wished he hadn't left her alone. He wished he hadn't given her so much space.

He wanted to be there with her when she found out, whether it was good news or bad ones.

He didn't want her to be alone, he wanted to be there.

He still remembered the words she had softly spoken in his ears the last time they had been kneeling on the bathroom floor staring at a pregnancy test that said they weren't expecting a baby.

"_I need you so much right now_"

She had needed him then, and she would need him now.

How he wished he hadn't left her alone today.

He still remembered what he had promised her after hearing those words:

"_I will always be here for you_"


	3. Uncomfortable and nervous

**Chapter 3**

**_Uncomfortable and nervous_**

"Just so you know, this whole situation is making me terribly uncomfortable"

Michelle was sitting on the bathroom floor, her back lying against the bathtub, with her knees to her chest, while Chloe sat next to her, both women intensively looking at the little unopened cardboard box that contained the pregnancy test.

The blonde analyst was scowling, while her friend's fingers played with her brown reddish curls, thinking of something to say to make things less tense and a little more relaxing, coming up shorter and shorter with each thought or idea that crossed her mind, a mind that was overwhelmed and overloaded by nervousness and somehow a mixture of guilt and regret.

She shouldn't have called Chloe, no.

She should have known better than that.

She should have seen this coming, she should have imagined how upset her friend would get as soon as she revealed her hidden agenda; she should have known how much she would hate being put in that compromised position.

Yes, she knew better than that.

But she called her anyway, because she didn't want to be alone, and Chloe O'Brian was the only person she could think of.

"I mean, you said you wanted to hang out because your husband would be out with his aunt…"

"Grandmother" Michelle corrected her.

"… today, you never mentioned a pregnancy test would be in the plan" Chloe complained "I thought we would talk and maybe order some take out for lunch since obviously your cooking skills still are as bad as my social skills, but this" she gestured with her hands, indicating the place they were at, the cardboard box both their pair of eyes were fixed on, the situation in general "is definitely not what I had in mind for my day off. I mean, I know I don't have much of a social life, Michelle, but I do know that when friends get together this is not what they usually do"

Yes, at this point Michelle Almeida totally regretted having called Chloe O'Brian. Maybe doing that alone would have been better, after all. It would definitely have been better than listening to that woman's endlessly complaints.

"It made me a little uncomfortable hearing your cries of pain and listening to you saying how your life was over without your husband and how badly you hurt while you were going through the divorce, but well, you were alone and you had no one else, I got that" Chloe went on complaining ", but now you aren't alone anymore. You are not a fifteen year old teenager that slept with a random guy and can't tell her parents she is late 'cause they'd kick her out the house so she's gotta go take a pregnancy test in the school bathroom. You have a husband"

"I couldn't tell Tony" Michelle whispered softly, more to herself than to Chloe, and she felt the tears watering her eyes.

"Why not? He would have been thrilled…"

"That's the problem, he would have been thrilled" Michelle exploded abruptly, all of a sudden needing to loosen up and get it off her chest "And if when I took this" she motions with her head towards the unopened cardboard box "it had turned out negative, he would have been shattered and his heart would have broken into pieces again. And I can't do that to my husband" she concluded "I know he suspects something is up and that he is ignoring it 'cause he wants to give me some time and some space, but the truth is that I didn't want him here because if I am not pregnant" she couldn't find the right words to describe it. She was getting so upset, so worked up; her eyes were filled with so many tears, but she didn't want to let them fall "… Chloe, I just want to protect him of another disillusion"

"Because of what happened to you some years ago?" she asked softly, already knowing the answer.

"Yes. But I didn't want to be alone, so I thought I would call you because… because I needed somebody here with me, and… Chloe, I consider you a friend, and although I knew you would react like this and got really mad at me for not telling you what I had called you for… I thought you would understand why I need you again, just like I needed you all those months ago when I was going through the worst phase of my life and there was no one left to listen to me and helping me out of the mess I was merged in"

Chloe was about to say Tony would be disillusioned anyway because even if they hadn't talked about it and he was ignoring his suspects and pretending that he didn't know what was going on to give her time and space to come to terms with it, even if he wasn't there when she took the test, sooner or later (sooner than later) he would be shattered by the fact that his wife – contradictorily to his suspects – wasn't expecting, and that it would have been better if they both had gone through that together instead of dealing with the hurting separately, but for once in her life she decided to bite her tongue and try to be there for the only real friend she had, even when the whole situation made her incredibly, horribly uncomfortable.

"God, I hate heart to heart conversations" Chloe murmured with a sigh, which caused Michelle to let out a small laugh "I'm not good at this, Michelle" she said, looking up at her "I'm not good at holding hands and drying tears off and… You have no idea how difficult this is" she exhaled in complete frustration.

"I understand" Michelle breathed deeply "You can go if you wanna" she said as she let out a long exhalation "You're not comfortable, I get it. I'm sorry I put you in this position, I shouldn't have…" she apologized.

She didn't want Chloe to go, actually; even if she was there just to complain, even if for a brief moment her mind had been crossed by the thought of being better off alone, the true was that having Chloe there did help: she felt less alone, she somehow felt less nervous, and Chloe's complaints didn't hurt her ears as much as the silence would have had she been on her own. But she didn't want to make her friend uncomfortable either, she didn't want her to feel forced to stay.

She would take the test alone and get it over with. She was a grown woman; she had to be stronger than this. She had to prepare herself either to be invaded by the already known mixture of fear and excitement if she indeed was pregnant or the terrible aching that would attack her mercilessly if her dream to become a mother and give her husband a child wouldn't come true yet.

Michelle deep breathed again and looked at Chloe.

"Chloe, I mean it, you can go, don't feel obligated to stay"

What the blonde said next, she was totally surprised by it. In fact, both women were totally surprised by it:

"No, I won't go"

Chloe cared about Michelle, she really did; she really liked her and admired her, she had always liked her and admired her.

It hadn't been easier listening to her agonizing in pure pain when Tony was taken away, when he shout her out and drank himself to unconsciousness and ignored her, or when she decided to get a divorce and give him the chance to move on with his life and find somewhere else the happiness he obviously couldn't have with her, or when she refused to eat, or when she called her home at 3 am in the morning desperate because she had had _that_ dream again, but she had done that, all of that, because she knew how it felt like to be alone and with no one else to run to, with nowhere else to go to, with no one else to seek some comfort in. Had she been Michelle she probably wouldn't have chosen someone like herself as a confessor, but she was glad she was giving her the chance to help her a little, even if most of the time she felt as if she wasn't doing a good job.

Michelle was the only friend Chloe had, one of the few persons she liked being friends with – and _that_ was something -, and she was willing to make an effort and stay there.

"Michelle, this is difficult for me" she repeated "and uncomfortable, and I'd rather be somewhere else, and I wish you had had someone else to call, but I'm already here and… You are my friend. I'm not the greatest friend and I have all these flows and trouble interacting with people, even with the people I like, but I would really wanna try and… and overcome my eccentricities for once and be what you need… I knew you would do the same for me, not that I am planning on putting you through something like this anytime soon nor ever… And, well, you are my friend, and this is what friends are for, right?"

Seeing how hard it was for her to express her emotions and thoughts, Michelle cut her off:

"Thank you, Chloe, it means a lot. It really does"

She held the blonde's hand in hers and gave it a little squeeze. Both their gazes locked, and for a moment the room fell silent.

"Let's get this over with" the blonde analyst said, breathing deeply "You don't need me here when you… well, when you…"

"No, I don't" Michelle reassured her with a small smile "You can wait outside, and then I can go burn some coffee while we wait for the result"

"I'll go make some tea" Chloe offered "I don't think you should be drinking any coffee now"

"Okay" Michelle whispered, as they both stood up "Okay, go make some tea"

Once she was left alone in the bathroom, her eyes fell again on the unopened cardboard box. She sighed, she inhaled, she exhaled, she sighed again, and then she decided it was time to get that over with and once and for all find out.

Later, she went out the bathroom and to the kitchen, where Chloe was filling two cups with hot water and tea bags.

"I have to go check it in five minutes" Michelle announced and she sat down on one of the chairs.

She was nervous.

And she was anxious.

And she was scared.

And she was sad because she couldn't stop remembering all those times both her and Tony had been hurt and disappointed by false alarms.

And she was happy because something told her this time would be the time.

And she was nervous.

And she was anxious.

And she was scared.

The knot in both her throat and stomach were constant reminders of all that she was feeling,

"Michelle, relax" Chloe said, perceiving her friend's state "Just relax, okay"

"It's not that easy" she murmured "You have no idea how weird I'm feeling right now, all these emotions eating up at me…"

"Yeah, I have no idea" Chloe said quietly. Her gaze dropped at the floor for a moment, but then she quickly looked up.

She sat on the chair next to her friend's and sipped her tea.

"Thank you again, for everything…"

She needed to say something, she needed to talk because she thought that if she did something other than stirring her spoon time would pass by quicker and she would feel less uneasy. She needed to try to keep her mind off of everything, although it was impossible.

"You don't need to thank me" Chloe said.

"Yeah, I know, it makes you uncomfortable" they both laughed bitterly.

And then the room fell silent again.

"I think I should… I think I should go check…" Michelle started, but the knot in her throat wouldn't let the words form and go out coherently.

"Yeah" Chloe agreed, nodding her head "Do you want me to go in with you?" she offered.

"Only if you want to"

"Okay" she murmured "Let's go"

They made their way back to the bathroom. Michelle was nervous, and her whole body was giving off that feeling, causing Chloe's nervousness to rise.

She held the cold latch with her hand, pushed the door opened, and they both stepped in.


	4. As long as they loved each other

**Chapter IV**

**_As long as they loved each other_**

Tony Almeida was trying, _really_ trying to pay attention to what his grandmother was saying about the new novel she had started to write and how her editor always told her it was amazing that a woman who was almost seventy eight years old had still her writing skills and talent intact and could come up with such original, great, creative ideas for plots and put them down in words so brilliantly.

Yes, he was really trying to pay attention, he really wanted to give his grandmother the interest she deserved, but his thoughts kept drifting off to Michelle and everything he had been thinking about a couple of hours ago while he sat in the car debating with himself whether it was convenient or not call his grandmother, excuse himself and go back home to his wife, hold her and ask her to let him in, beg her to share the worries and the fears and the doubts and the awaken old memories that belonged to sad times of their lives with him, or go on with what he had planned for the day and give Michelle the time and space she obviously needed and let her manage things the way she wanted to.

He had decided he would spend the rest of the morning and a part of the afternoon with his grandmother, and after that he would go back home to his Michelle. He would try to talk to her about _it_, see if he could get her to open up.

Now, he was sitting there, having brunch with his grandmother, and he had no idea what she was talking to him about, because he had stopped listening at all ten minutes ago, falling completely absorbed in his thoughts.

"Tony, is everything okay?" Emily Almeida asked softly. She had noticed he obviously had his mind somewhere else, but she hadn't wanted to intrude before, just giving for granted that he would eventually share whatever it was that was bothering and making him worried with her. But seeing he had just sat there and let her talk and talk and talk without paying attention to even a single word, she decided it was time to see what was upsetting him so much.

He couldn't lie to her, because he knew she wouldn't buy it and because he needed to get it off his chest.

So when she asked, he told her _everything_.

"Dear, you should have stayed home with Michelle" she said, running her hand up and down his strong arm, soothing him with her touch.

"I know, _abuela_" he said "She probably insisted I took you out today so she could be alone, maybe have some time to finish sorting it out, or maybe going get rid of the doubts" that last possibility was what made his throat close and caused a knot to form in his stomach; he didn't want her to go through _that_ alone, he wanted to be there, even if the answer they were designated to get was not the one they hoped for.

"That scares you, doesn't it, _mi niño_?"

She knew him so well she could read it in his eyes. For her, it could be seen in his eyes.

"You want to be there in case she decides she is going to find out, don't you?"

He nodded his head lightly.

"Then you should probably get going" she said "Go home, Tony. Really, you can come visit me any other day. It's not that I am all day bored and without anything to do to entertain myself. I have friends here. We go swimming, we read, we play cards, I have my work. I won't miss you, really" she sounded convincing, and he knew she was an independent, social woman that wouldn't die of pain if he went home to his wife earlier.

"I'll make it up to you, _abuela_" he promised with a smile "And I will call you as soon as Michelle and I talk" he promised, knowing Emily would want to know all the details.

"Tony, I have a good feeling" she stroked her grandson's face "Something tells me everything will be alright. Even if she is not pregnant" she saw in Tony's eyes the pain of his heart and soul being reflected "you two are young and healthy and will be able to have children someday near in the future"

"But if this is another false alarm, _abuela_" he started "she would be devastated. And she has gone through so much during these last months, mostly because of my fault…" he added, looking down at his shoes.

"Anthony, look at me" she took his chin with two of her fingers and made him look up at her "Anthony, everything is going to be alright, you'll see. Michelle and you are strong, stronger than any other couple I have ever met, and I've met many during the course of my life, believe, _mi niño. _You have gone through hard paths and you still are together and fighting back, you know why?: because you love each other. And when a man and a woman love each other like this, this purely, this deeply, then they can go through _everything_ together. Michelle and you will maybe have to face another disillusion, you will maybe have to face another round of sadness and disappointment, but you are strong enough to pull yourselves together and try again. You are strong enough to do _anything_ as long as you love each other"

She smiled, and he smiled as well, praying that his grandmother was right and that everything would work itself out. Praying that Michelle wouldn't have to go through Hell again. Praying that he would be able to help her overcome the pain and the heartache in case… No, he didn't want to think about it, he had to avoid thinking about it. Jumping to conclusions and coming up with conjectures wouldn't be of any use.

"Now go, _mi niño_, go home to her"

He kissed his grandmother's temple and hugged her. She was a wise woman, and she was right: they

"_Abuela_, thanks for everything. I would like to come visit you soon, with Michelle, and actually learn about your new novel" they both laughed, and he left.

He left, went back to his car, started it, and drove home, completely unaware of what would be waiting for him when he got there half an hour later.

The words she had said to him were still playing in his head, and he was trying to draw strength out of them, because he knew his grandmother was a wise woman and that she was right: they were strong enough to do anything as long as they loved each other.

And God, did they love each other.


	5. Don't be scared

**Chapter V**

**_Don't be scared_**

She stood there, quiet, motionless, eyes closed and tears streaming down her face.

Her hands were shaking violently, so was the rest of her body.

Her heart was pounding, so hard and so brutally it hurt.

Breathing was impossible; it was as if she had forgotten how to, as if air wasn't important anymore.

Nothing mattered, nothing else, nothing that wasn't that little piece of plastic she was holding.

The room had fallen silent the moment they had stepped into it. Chloe had stood behind her friend giving her some privacy and some space to see the results first, to process the information, digest it and react, whether the reaction she was about to face was a good one or a bad one.

But all of a sudden the silence had been broken by Michelle's sobs, sobs that didn't seem as if they would stop anytime soon.

Chloe wasn't sure of what to do, or of what she was expected to do; she didn't even know what the results had been, she didn't know if the other woman there needed comfort, a hug, a pat on the back, reassuring words she was sure she would never be able to think of and express in the form of coherence sentences. So she stood there, her eyes fixed on Michelle's back, watching her trembling shoulders and her shaking hands as they held that little piece of plastic.

Some minutes passed, both of them merged in that tense atmosphere that was as deep and as thick as an ocean, and when Michelle finally turned around and found Chloe standing there, scowling and looking at her worriedly, the blonde analyst noticed her friend's eyes were red, swollen and puffy because of all that crying, and her whole anatomy being tortured by violent goose bumps that went up and down her arms, legs and spine didn't look as if it wasn't going to fail and make her faint within the next seconds.

_God, she's gonna come undone right now and right here_ Chloe thought, feeling terribly uncomfortable in front of that perspective, and at the same time feeling really sorry for Michelle because judging by her reaction she could assume the results weren't the ones she was hoping for.

But the phrase that escaped Michelle Almeida's lips said otherwise:

"I'm pregnant" she muttered, barely able to speak without chocking on the words, barely able to focus on the person that stood a few feet away from her because her sight was totally clouded by the tears.

"I'm pregnant" she whispered again.

She couldn't believe it.

She was pregnant.

She was going to have a baby.

_They_ were going to have a baby.

Those were the first thoughts that entered her mind when she saw the two little blue lines; those were the thoughts that caused the first happy tears to fall down her cheeks.

But then, then her mind had been invaded by other kind of thoughts, and the happy tears were replaced by other kind of tears: bitter, sad, cold tears arisen by that other kind of thoughts, thoughts that were made by bitter, sad, cold 'what ifs' and heartbreaking memories.

What if she lost this baby too?

What if this tiny, innocent life she was carrying, that tiny, innocent life that was growing inside of her died before she even had the chance to hold it in her arms?

What if she had to go through that Hell again?

What if there was something wrong with the baby?

What if she failed her child?

What if she failed Tony?

What if she couldn't be as a good parent as she knew he would be?

What if something went wrong?

What if she couldn't be a good mom? What if she didn't know how to be a mom?

She hadn't had a good mom. Well, she hadn't had a mom at all: she had left them the day she was released from the hospital after giving birth. She hadn't had a dad: he had died when she was four months old. She hadn't had a family at all, just her grandmother and her brother, but the truth was that she had always felt alone and abandoned, and the only things she knew about families she had learned them by watching Tony's parents and siblings interacting ones with the others. That was the only family she ever had: Tony's.

The first time she had found about her pregnancy she was younger, innocent and naïve: she thought their lives together were the perfect fairytale, she thought she would be able to do anything, that they would be able to do anything. But some years later life had proven them both their love was stronger than any fairytale, but life's challenges were harder and stronger as well.

Now she knew things, many things could go wrong, now she knew life and destiny had the power to destroy you in just one second, shatter your dreams in just one second, and leave you dead inside and with nothing left to fight or live for in just one second.

She was sure she would never ever again let anything tear her apart from Tony. Nothing would ever tear her apart from Tony again: only death would do them part, and although her innocence had been brutally stolen one tiny bit at a time from the day everything fell apart on, she still believed they would be together until their last breaths, until she was eighty and he was ninety and they both died together sleeping in each other's arms, because they had already learned the hard way it was humanly impossible for them to be physically separated.

Of that she was sure: only death would do them part.

But other things could go wrong.

Her baby could die again.

Her dreams could die again.

_Their_ dreams could die again.

God, what would they do if that happened _again_?

What took over Michelle Almeida five seconds after she saw those two lines that confirmed she was pregnant was fear.

It was pure, raw fear.

And that fear was what had caused her to break down, that fear was what had caused her a nervous breakdown. That fear was what had caused her reaction.

Sobbing she still was, her eyes clouded by tears, her whole anatomy shaking with such violence it seemed she would faint and pass out there on the bathroom floor before she could calm down.

"Chelle" Chloe's voice sounded distant "… Chelle, why are you crying like this, then?" she asked, unable to understand what was wrong with her friend "Aren't you happy? This is what you wanted, you wanted this, Chelle: a baby. You're gonna have a baby"

"I know" Michelle managed to mutter, but the words were barely audible "I know"

"Then what's wrong?"

Chloe was getting nervous and more uncomfortable and upset because she couldn't understand what the problem with Michelle was: she wanted that, she wanted a baby, she wanted to become a mom, she was the type of woman who would make an excellent mom and was married to the type of man who would make an excellent father. They would be perfect parents, and they wanted that child, they had always wanted kids. Ten minutes ago she was hysterical and walking into the furniture because she was sick worried about the devastating consequence that it being a false alarm would bring for her and Tony, and now that she was holding in her hands the proof that said it wasn't, she was coming undone and going through a nervous breakdown, crying desperately and shaking fiercely.

"I… I" breathing hurt too much, it was so difficult "I'm… I'm… I'm scared"

And before Chloe O'Brian could do _anything_, she saw her friend walking to the point that she was at and the next thing she knew she was being held by her.

Patting her on the back was an automatic reaction, since she had no idea what else to do to sooth her. She was not good with people, she was not good at comforting others, she was not good at washing others' tears away and saying the right thing when it was right to say it. She had warned Michelle she wouldn't be of much use.

But she was going to at least try.

"Come here" she said a minute later, slowly pushing her away to break the hug, taking her by the hand and leading her to sit down on the bathroom floor "Come here, Chelle" she repeated, scowling, thinking of how to manage the situation, and then being reminded this wasn't some sort of terrorist attack or dangerous situation she had to help preventing: this was different, this was something she hadn't dealt with ever before.

They remained there, sitting on the cold bathroom floor, one of Michelle's hands still in Chloe's while the other held the plastic pregnancy thing tighter than ever.

When her sobs finally subsided and she was much calmer, Chloe let go of her hand and asked again with a small voice:

"Michelle, why did you react like that?"

She swallowed hard and tried to take a breath before she started talking:

"I… I got scared" she confessed "Because… Because last time I had something like this in my hands" she motioned with her head towards the pregnancy test "I was… Things were different. I didn't know how much it hurt losing a child. I didn't know how much it hurt going through a miscarriage. Now I do. And I love this child" she instinctively placed a hand on her stomach and rubbed it gently "more than any other thing in this whole world. And… I don't know I… I wanted it to be true: I wanted to be pregnant, although it was not planned, although we never talked about having children after Tony and I got back together. But now that… now that I know I am pregnant, now that I know there is a life both Tony and I created growing inside of me, a piece of me and a piece of him… I can't stop feeling sick with worry at the perspective of losing this baby too. Or" she was getting more and more upset "… why if I fail as a mother? Why if I can't be what this child deserves? Why if I fail Tony? I know he is gonna be such a good dad…"

"Michelle" Chloe cut her off "Michelle, listen to me, 'cause I'm only gonna do this once" she warned her friend "You are going to be a great mom, and your husband is gonna be a great dad. And this child is so, so lucky to have you two as its parents. You are gonna be brilliant parents"

"What if I turned out to be a fail? What if this dream is taken away from me too? What if…?"

"Michelle" the blonde woman cut her off again "Michelle, don't be scared, because everything is gonna be fine"

Somehow Chloe felt and thought she was telling a lie to her friend: there was no way she could know if everything was or was not going to be okay; life is unpredictable, after all, and Chloe did know that better than anyone. But what Michelle needed wasn't raw, harsh truth to be spoken; she needed to be comforted, and she needed reassurance.

For once Chloe was able to know what to say and how to say it in order to help her calm down.

Michelle let her head rest in the space between her knees, which were to her chest, and whispered:

"You don't know that"

Chloe sighed, knowing Michelle was way too smart to be buying those white lies.

"Yes, I don't know that" she admitted "I mean, I don't know if you are or aren't gonna have another miscarriage. Those things happen, sometimes more than once, sometimes they happen to women every time they get pregnant" a little shiver ran up and down Chloe's spine, but she did not let it show "No one can be sure of what's gonna happen tomorrow, we do that, we were taught that through all the things we had to see. But, Michelle, don't be scared" she repeated "because I am sure this time things will be okay. Because you are going to be a great mother, there is no possible way you are gonna be a failure to your child, or to Tony. And, besides, you won't solve anything by being scared, or crying, or reacting this hysterical. The Michelle Almeida I know knows better than this" Chloe caused a little laugh to escape her friend's trembling lips "The Michelle Almeida I know is stronger and can overcome everything, she can do anything, and she doesn't get scared this easy"

"When it comes to work and saving the world from terrorists, she doesn't. But, on the other hand, when it comes to motherhood…" Michelle sighed sadly.

"Michelle, you're gonna be a good mom. And this dream of yours I am sure will come true. Tony and you have been through so much… you deserve some happiness" Chloe knew it didn't work like that, but well… She wasn't going to tell Michelle that "Give it some time, see how everything develops, you need to take it step by step, and don't you dare being scared, don't you dare this scare you, 'cause you're stronger than fear"

Michelle laughed and took Chloe's hand in hers.

"See, Chloe? This is what we don't agree on" she said "You said you weren't good at this, that you weren't good at holding hands or telling encouraging things, but you have really helped me here"

Chloe scowled.

"I guess being friends with you is easier than being friends with other people" she analyzed.

"Yeah, I guess" Michelle sighed again. She was feeling so much better, so much calmer, so much more relaxed.

Chloe was right: you can't know what is gonna happen, and Michelle herself was aware of how unpredictable life was, but she had to take this one step at the time. She didn't have to be scared, because she could be stronger than fear. She had to be stronger than fear; she would have to be stronger than fear.

Her child would need a strong mom, a mom that wasn't scared.

Her husband would need all of her strength, as much as she would need his.

And this new phase of their lives they were about to start, this something new that life had brought for them, they would have to face it fearless.

She wiped some tears away and smiled.

"Thanks for everything, Chloe" she said "Thanks for being here with me, even though I put you in this horrible position and made you feel uncomfortable and stained all your shirt with me tears" they both laughed "Thanks for holding my hand and telling reassuring things to me. Thanks for being a good friend"

"You're welcome" the blonde woman said, her scowl still in place "Will you stop crying now, Michelle?" she asked, seeing tears hadn't stopped streaming down her face.

"I'm crying because I'm happy, because I love this baby, because I want to be positive and fearless and think that everything is gonna be alright" she said in all honesty "Really, I'm happy. Happy and ready to face whatever it is to come"

* * *

_Thank you all for your wonderful reviews :)_


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